It's not you, it's me

Seeing as how I think that just about everyone is frustrating me on purpose (well, apparently two people, but the only two people I've had contact with today and as you'll soon see one of them barely made contact) I'm guessing that the stress of waiting on test results is getting to me. John will not nap, despite his clear NEED to nap. While I was trying to get him to nap, the UPS man made some sort of mouse-like tiny knock on the door then left a notice, since I didn't hear him at all and you can't get more than thirty feet away from the door in the entire apartment. So, not only did I miss the UPS man, who has my birthday present from my mom (look!) but John's still awake an hour later. I missed the first delivery attempt yesterday while a getting poked and prodded and biopsied, so I was so looking forward to a package of Moda fabric. Luckily for Christian, he took an early bus and left before I was up today, so he's escaped my wrath.

The scariest thing about all of this for me isn't the whole cancer thing. If I had to, I'm 100% sure I could take that on and win. The thing I'm most afraid of is not being able to breastfeed this next baby or any future babies. I almost cried reading Soule Mama this morning, probably because I base so much of my mothering on nursing that I don't know how I'd even BE a mom without it.

Enough whining. I'm off to read this awful Winnie the Pooh book called "Does It Float?" (really) for the billionth time since John loves it for some unknown reason in the unrealistic hope that he'll fall asleep THIS time.

Comments

[Diana]

I was very emotional reading Amanda's post today too. It made me almost cry but for a different reason. I'm having my first baby at the end of march and I'm very concerned about "a good practice" of breastfeeding with the short maternal leave I'll have. Of course I can manage but you all know how stressing work can sometimes be, will I be able to do it? I felt very well when Amanda wrote she completely respects those who aren't able to breastfeed. I wish I didn't have to work and didn't have to go through this.

[Brandie]

Oh, you are not a mother simply because you nurse your child. You are a mother for sooooo many more reasons than that, but mostly you are a good mother because of the amount of love you shower on your child and you are a good mother because you care. You care about you child, you want the best for them, want the world for them, you care about how the choices you make will affect them - plain and simple you care. This baby will know how much you care, regardless of if you nurse or not.
That said, you are still in my prayers, and I do not want to dwell on teh subject too long as maybe and hopefully this fear will be unfounded once you meet with the doctor anyway. ((((hugs)))) I'm still thinking of you.

[Valerie]

Hi--I'm a lurker. I've enjoyed your blog for a few months without feeling the need to inflict you with my often incoherent comments. But I had to come out of the woodwork to tell you that if, God forbid, you do have positive results from your biopsy, it doesn't necessarily spell the end of nursing. A very dear friend and 3-year breast cancer survivor just weaned her baby from her remaining breast. Also, I agree wholeheartedly with Brandie's comment above--it's the love that counts. I'm sending prayers for you, too.

[Jessica]

I know that you know in your heart that the love and nuturing of a mother is there even if the breast isn't. I had very different nursing experiences with both of my boys. My second son was a lot more into it and nursed much longer than my first. I realized when I weaned him at 16 months that I hadn't developed *any* other soothing skills for him. So sometimes it's good for mothering and nursing to be two separate things.

I'm thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping for good results--quickly!

[patti]

Brynne, I know I have read too, that if a mama wants to nurse from one "remaining" breast, it can be done. Your body would make up for it by producing more milk on that side.
But we are not going to worry about that, because that s NOT going to happen! Satan is just testing you.

[Arleta]

Hope all this junk clears up for you really fast!

[Karen]

Okay, chickie...here's the deal. You are not your breast. Your breast is not you. You are the mama, with or without breast(s). You will still hold, feed, nurture, wipe boogies, change diapers, lose sleep, pay for college and cry at their weddings, with or without breasts.

But I understand your fear and grief, Brynne. This is so close to where you live and how you identify yourself that you can't help but react. But it will be okay, one way or another. I promise.

[katie]

Positive thoughts, Brynne. There is no need to fret before you know what you're dealing with. But I know that's easier said than done!

The Moda quilt kit is going to be delicious!

[catherine]

I'm so sorry, you have been in my thoughts constantly.... You're a fantastic mom! Not only are you nutruring and kind, but you're the "cool mom" too! I had a REALLY hard time when Hillard was born and I didn't produce enough milk to support his appetite, he was always starving!... I felt like a failure that I couldn't provide for my baby... And the feeling returned with the arrival of Brandon... I have no clue what your going through, and I would never pretend to know. Please don't concentrate on disapointment... Take it from a mom who STILL lets her kids have their "Ba Ba's" at ages 5 and 2, the bonding is very satisfying.

[Lauren]

I hope John sleeps - a day without a nap is a tough day, regardless. I encourage you to stay positive and focus on the good things in life, but at the same time I think it is healthy and admirable to admit your fears and vent your frustrations and sometimes have a good cry! So go have a cup of tea and do and say whatever makes you feel better!

[JulieFrick]

Oh, I hear ya, sister. The Biscuit is turning into a spotty napper as well, and sometimes I think if there were a camera in the house to capture all my creeping about, trying to even put my coffee cup down with minimal sound, it would be a laugh-fest...about 20 years from now, when the stress has worn off.

As for nursing, I have quite a story myself. Nursed him for 13 months despite the fact that the pain and awkwardness never subsided. I was trying to hard to "do it right." I think nursing is important and of course natural and healthy, but I also believe that sometimes we mothers need to let go of our desires- to do it perfectly, to be the Motherhood covergirl- because we are human. We get sick, our bodies don't all work the same, we have so many obligations...I feel nursing has become so political on both sides.

Bottom line for me (and I hope I can remember this in the years to come) is that the only requirement of motherhood is desperate love. And that is a given.

[Bethel]

My mom is a 16-yr breast cancer survivor. She had a radical mascectomy and is still the best mama north, east, south, or west. I didn't breastfeed either of my children, no woman on my mom's side had breastmilk "rich" enough for the babies to "thrive". Soooo, I decided to "share" the feeding wtih my husband. He was very involved with our two children and many of my friends call him Mr. Mom. If, and I stress if, you cannot nurse, maybe it will be a blessing to your husband to share in that nurturing time of feeding your new child.

My 2 cents.

Praying Jesus' holy healing power for you...

[Brandie]

Just wanted to check back in and let you know I'm thinging of you today.

[Caryn]

Hey Kiddo!! I was thinking about you today, and just wanted to say hi!! I hope all is going well...

And just remeber, your baby will love YOU no matter if s/he's bottle fed or boobie fed, and that's the most important thing! :)

[lunarteal]

Hey Brynne, Thinking about you guys this morning. Praying.